Ten Things Emmett Can't Ever Do
by ehtsuperstar
Summary: Ever wondered what Emmett is banned from doing? Well, here's a list of reasons and the hilarious story behind each one.
1. Chapter 1

_1. Call Edward gay_

_2. Try to set him up with someone who is also gay_

"Hey, Jasper!" I called, rushing after him.

The blonde vampire paused and turned back to me, looking surly, "No, Emmett, for the last time, I won't help you paint Edward's Volvo pink with yellow polka dots."

I scowled. Killjoy. But that didn't matter, I had another plan. "I think Edward is gay."

"What?"

I waved my hand carelessly at his face, "I mean, think about it. He's never been with another woman- even when Tanya was falling all over him. There must be a reason. He's probably afraid that we won't accept his homosexuality."

Jasper looked thoughtful. "Well, then what do we do?"

"We have to let him know that we will accept him no matter what."  
He nodded and I beamed. Finally our brother could be with other men like he wanted! As I entered the house, I forced the thoughts out of my head so the stupid mind reader couldn't hear me, choosing to sing the Barney song instead. _I love you, you love me. Together we're a happy family. With a big, big hug and-_

"Emmett?" Edward looked annoyed, "Have you been watching Barney again?"

I chose to ignore this. Barney was educationally enriching and he had no right to make fun of me because of it.

"Hey, Emmett," Alice came skipping down the stairs, a bright grin on her face, "I heard there's a homosexual support group at the library today. We should all go."

I nodded. Jasper must have filled her in. For an emo vampire, he sure worked quick.

Edward just looked confused. "Why would we go to a homosexual support group?"

Thankfully, the pixie answered. "Because it will be educational. Besides, everyone in this family should know that we'll be fully supportive of them if they are homosexual."

Edward opened his mouth to protest, but I shushed him.

That's how we ended up at the library an hour later. Edward was the last one out of car, and when he did finally get out, he was frowning. "This is ridiculous," he complained.

I chose to ignore him. Instead, I scanned the parking lot. It was full of several teenagers. My face lit up when I caught sight of Mike Newton hunched by a car, looking very uncomfortable. The things you never know about people…

I worked my way over to him and chuckled at the terrified expression he gave me. "Hey, Mike."

"E-Emmett." The kid was shaking like a leaf. "W-what are you doing here?"

I hesitated, and then grinned. Why should we keep Edwards sexual orientation secret? We weren't ashamed of it. "It's because of Edward."

"What?" he was incredulous, "Edward's _gay_?"

I nodded vigorously. Mike's face lit up with joy, then hope, then something else- lust. Ew. But then again, he and Edward might just make a good couple. And Edward would owe me big time.

"You should go over and say hi." I prodded him in Edward's direction. Mike as only too happy to comply. Within a few moments, he was standing just a few feet from Edward.

Edward had a furious expression on his face as he glared at me. Mike didn't seem to notice. "So, you wanna go out and get a cup of coffee or something?"

Edward looked even angrier if that was possible. Then he hissed, "I'm not gay."

Mike just looked confused, "But Emmett said-"

"Emmett's an idiot," his glare intensified. If looks could kill- well, I was already dead, so it didn't matter.

I clapped him on the back. "It's okay Edward, you can admit it. We fully support you."

Alice, Jasper, and Rose nodded vigorously in agreement. "It's okay Edward," Alice spoke up, "You don't have to keep it secret anymore."

Not surprisingly, Edward looked even angrier. Apparently he had a hard time getting out of the closet. "What would make you think I'm gay? This is astounding, even for you Emmett."

I rolled my eyes. There he went with the big words again. Jasper looked confused, "So you're _not _gay?"

"No!"

"But you never looked at any woman- even when Tanya threw herself at you," I protested.

"Did it even occur to you how shallow those girls are? I can't date someone like that. I like girls, but not ones like that."

I sighed. It was going to be a long ride home.

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	2. Chapter 2

_3. Give Bella and Edward the talk… again_

Edward was sitting on the couch, holding Bella's hand. I was thrilled to see my new little sister. "Hey Bella!"

She smiled, "Hi."

I grinned back widely, a plan formulating in my mind. Edward bristled and I rolled my eyes. _Stupid mind reader._

"I heard that."

I sighed exaggeratedly before focusing my thoughts on the night Rose and I had spent together yesterday, making sure to add some graphic content. It worked. Edward groaned.

_Serves you right. _He looked like he was about to be sick. _Stop being such a prude Edward. It's almost as though you haven't done it before… _My eyes widened as I realized the truth. _You haven't, have you?_

He was silent, but I took it as confirmation. _You're a virgin?! _Bella's eyes were wide and color had started to flood her cheeks. It took me a moment to realize why. _Oh shit. I said that out loud. Oh well._

Edward shifted uncomfortably and I couldn't keep from grinning. This was going to be so much fun. "So Bella, did you know that Edward is a virgin?"

Edward growled in warning, but I ignored him. He could be a kill joy for all I cared, but I was going to have my fun. Bella's face was as red as a tomato now. She stuttered out an unintelligible response and I nodded. "So have you ever done it with a vampire before?"

She looked as though she wanted to sink into the couch, but I ignored this. It was going to benefit her in the long run. She would thank me… eventually. I ignored Edward's growl. Whatever punishment he was planning for later, this would be worth it.

"Okay, so when a boy and a girl love each other, they-"

Edward looked pained, "Please stop Emmett. We have been through health class."

I pouted, and turned over the video I had been clutching in my hand, "So you don't want to watch the 'Miracle of Life'?"

"NO!"

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	3. Chapter 3

_3. Break Esme's china_

Jasper was sitting on the couch reading a book about the Civil War or something. I rolled my eyes. The war had been over like a gazbillion years ago. Yet, emo-vampire boy kept on dwelling in the past.

"Hey Jazzy-poo!" I shouted, landing on the couch next to him.

He shot me a dirty look. "Don't call me that."

"Okay, Jazzy-cakes, but will you play with me? I'm bored."

He looked mad at me. "I'm trying to read Emmett. Go bug Edward."

I sighed loudly. "I already tried that! But he threatened to kick Moomoo out again." I pouted. Edward could be such a meanie.

Jasper sighed loudly again. "Fine."

"Okay, good!" I clapped my hands together, happy. A plan was formulating in my mind. "Let's have a light-saber duel Jazzy!"

He looked doubtful. "Where are we going to get light sabers?"

Emo boy could be so silly at times! "Mike Newton gave me two light sabers and I wanted to try using them."

I pulled the sabers from behind my back. "I get the blue one though." I gave Jasper the pink light-saber.

He jumped to his feet, wielding the saber in front of him.

I lunged at him. "I'm Emmettskywalker and you are dearthjasper!" I shouted.

Crash!

"Emmett!" I groaned as Esme appeared in the doorway. She was frowning. "You broke my dishes."

I stuck my tongue out at her. She could be such a killjoy at times. "So buy new ones!"

Esme looked furious, "They're priceless antiques!"

I rolled my eyes, "So they're old! Buy new ones!"

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